I know I'm a softie, always feeling sad, sorry and sympathy towards the weak, poor and vulnerable. It could range from a beggar to a wild dog wandering on streets. My friend said I'm a little too compassionate, worrying too much because I care too much. I take my friends as my family, and keep them close to me. I felt pain too easily, even if the one who got hurt wasn't me, just because I care. That's why I'm deemed a softie.
But at times, I show strength, and toughen up. Self encouragement doesn't always work as well as I want, but I get through with it, and get my jobs/tasks done, by hook or by crook. Whenever I see/read/know of the cruel ways one treat the other, a surge of ANGER comes to me, and I immediately think of cruel thoughts to treat the ones who I deem evil. But really, how good am I compared to the "evil one" when I, myself, is also thinking of the same, cruel, and evil stuff as him/her?
And then I remember:
"If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell.” Matthew 5:29-30
I always think that these verses are scary, even though it does makes sense. I don't have the courage to take away my own flesh, which makes me selfish and possessive of the worldly things...
I let self-pity wash over me at times, and yet I still have the consciousness to bring myself back to the reality and move on with my life. I am a coward myself. No joke. I'm afraid of heights, cockroaches, rats, large amount of freshly flowing blood, etc. But most importantly, I'm afraid of the feeling of falling, be it physically, mentally, or emotionally. Sometimes, even my achievements counts. And yet, I could conquer all these fear, even if I am afraid, when I am left with no choice.
I take things too seriously sometimes, and I constantly need to remind myself to loosen up and relax. My temper is worst, and thus I consistently need to be patient, tolerate and endure towards what I dislike.
I'm a people-pleaser. I'd rather please others, and comply to their wants or wishes, like how I want to please my parents ever since young. But then I am a leader, taking charge of even the tiniest details of my duties, and leading my mentees to accomplish everything in the right directions. I love the people around me dearly. My friends are my family, and my family is my gifts, and my gifts are all presents from God. I wouldn't compare who is more important to me. I judge who to go to with my feelings, instincts, or the needs of one. It doesn't really make sense, but really, how much of the things we know could be explained with logic?
I may be emotional, but I could also mask it up and get everything done. See the conflict over there? No wonder I get myself confuse over.. myself..... LOL
but I realize that each and every one of these results from fear, and these fears comes from me. They are my biggest limit, thus I, myself, is my biggest limitation. I am my own enemy, and also my own ally. It is just who I wanna be that counts. I may stumble and fall, which either results in the need of others (friends, family, Lord, etc) to pull me up, or I might have to find the strength within myself, but I know that if I choose to not give up, I will pull through, and when I look back in time at the near future, I will feel satisfaction surrounding over me.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
;)
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